Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You Might Also Like
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.