I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Hotels are back
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?