jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
We need to put an American base on the sun
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.