[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When your man makes a valid point
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup