[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
*updates tinder bio*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off