I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…