going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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getting corrected
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Just grow your own
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*