Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or