Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
You Might Also Like
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My time has come.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird