Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.