Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
There’s only one good girl here!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.