I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
The Punning Dead.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P