When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.