Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week