“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
😅😅😅
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
5 ways to appear taller
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now