I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.