Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The internet is full of many things
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Imma just leave this here…………
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further