Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.