If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.