My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Botany good plants lately?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.