This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Denise please return my vape pen
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )