My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
You Might Also Like
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.