If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
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Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
LMAO
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.