[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”