The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too