I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
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I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Wake me when AI does housework
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?