Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.