my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
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Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]