“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*