Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Britain be like
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog