Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Did…did a minotaur write this
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.