Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
What the hell is going on?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I put the p in pants.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.