Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You Might Also Like
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
i wish we could shoplift online
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen