I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
You Might Also Like
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier