bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
“I wouldn’t.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me trying to “trust the process”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.