Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
You Might Also Like
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.