Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
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Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I’m confused about plants
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons