me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”