Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
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We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
How times have changed.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab