*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
That was easy.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.