I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn