Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
my professor scared me for a second
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars