Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?