Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks