unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
You Might Also Like
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
This fish is cracking me up
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.