Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
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love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.