I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
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Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine