I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.