HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense