ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Best spot.. 😅
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.